Frankie and Johnny
by idioticonion
Summary: Barney persuades Robin into fancy dress for Ted's annual Halloween party. AU Season 3ish but could be set at any time really.


**Frankie and Johnny**

Robin paints her nails, three strokes of the brush on each one, the scarlet polish reflecting the light. She blows gently on each in turn, her breath misting and dulling the shine. As they dry she curls her lashes and fixes her hair.

She pulls on suspenders, silk stockings and the fringed dress that Barney bought for her. Finally, she finishes the overall effect with a coating of cherry-red lipstick. Smacking her lips, she makes kissy-face at the mirror and grins.

She's never done this for Halloween before - never done the whole fancy-dress thing - but somehow this year it feels right.

This year, she's going to knock him dead.

*--*--*

He looks… dashing. He gives her a dazzling smile, smoothing down an eyebrow with his index finger and tilting his hat.

"Scherbatsky… niiiiice," he drawls, eyes sliding over her figure. "You packing?" He asks and she taps her purse in response.

"Barney, are you _sure_ about this?" She asks. She doesn't want to keep repeating herself but suddenly it all feels so real because he's standing there and she's wondering how in the hell he talked her into this in the first place.

"Robin… Oh, Robin…" He says with a patronising sigh. "How many times do I have to explain this? When you arrive at a party as a _couple_, you instantly become _more_ attractive, due to the illicit nature of any subsequent... encounter." He quirks an eyebrow. "Plus, you know, you get to do-!" He gives her a wink, pointing at his chest. The handkerchief in his pocket matches the colour of her dress exactly, she notices with a smile.

She lets him take her arm, trying to ignore how natural it feels to let him guide her. The thing is, she _does_ get him sometimes. She understands his playful nature. Perhaps she should just take her brain off the hook and try to enjoy herself for an evening? After all, she knows she looks smoking hot.

Lily squeals when they walk through the door together. She kisses Robin on the cheek and drags her away to get all the gossip. Part of Robin wants to ask Lily why on earth she seems to be dressed as a cheerleader but the stronger part of her just wants to murder a dry martini and a cigarette. She knows the cigarette is out of the question but she kind of wants to put _something_ in her mouth.

She licks her lips.

She sees a cute guy out of the corner of her eye and smiles at the train of thought she seems to be caught up in. Being with Barney for a half hour has obviously been a bad influence on her.

Speaking of the devil, Barney wastes no time at all and before he's even said hello to Ted he's got his arm around the waist of some bimbo in a nurse's uniform. He catches Robin's eye, giving her a wink and a smile, and Robin knows that he's probably telling slutty-nurse that she's his girlfriend. As Lily hands her a drink, she lifts it, saluting him. He grins, dragging his conquest up to the roof.

Robin sets her sights on cute-guy-on-the-sofa. Later on, this will be totally worth it. If she were Lily, she'd have given the game away already.

But she's not Lily. And she's wanted to do this to Barney for a very long time.

*--*--*

"The costumes? Uh… Frankie and Johnny…" She explains to cute-guy, who's name is actually Richard, a few hours later. Richard is dressed as a knight or something. She doesn't bother to ask. "You know, from the song?"

"Oh, so it's a twenties thing? The dress looks incredible on you…" He replies. He's sweet.

Robin allows herself a smile.

"So, is _Johnny_ your boyfriend?" Richard asks, which makes Robin almost choke on her drink. It's kind of weird that he waits till _after_ they've been making out for half an hour before he asks her that.

She leans forward, not kissing Richard but they are close enough for their lips to almost touch. "He's my man, but he's done me wrong…" She murmurs, almost singing the words to that old song.

"Oh really?" Richard asks. "You don't look like the kind of girl to take that sort of thing lying down…"

Robin smirks. "There's a lot of things I don't take lying down…" She's flirting shamelessly. If they were alone, she probably have asked him into her bedroom a long time ago.

Richard's eyes flicker over towards the bathroom, where Barney's just emerging with a different girl. Robin shrugs when she sees the question in his eyes. Richard has nice eyes. "Do you think I should get mad at him?" She asks. It's the end of the evening and people are flagging. Perhaps it _is_ time to liven things up?

Richard looks a little confused. "Well, he's not exactly being subtle about it. He's pretty much flaunting what he's doing in your face!" He sounds a little uncertain, like he's not sure he should be getting involved. She notices a band of lighter skin around his finger and she almost rolls her eyes at his hypocrisy. Married? Given that he had no qualms about kissing her earlier, she thinks he probably deserves everything he's going to get.

She stands up, opening her purse. "Johnny!" She yells across the room, trying not to grin. "Johnny you two-timing son of a bitch!"

On cue (as if he's rehearsed it) Barney spins around as she pulls the .44 from her purse, barely aiming the gun before she pulls the trigger once, twice, and his chest erupts in a spray of blood that splatters the bimbo standing next to him.

There is silence, then a single scream.

Barney crumples backwards, a surprised expression on his face. Robin strides forward, through the cloud of acrid smoke to see that Ted has rushed forward (of course) and is cradling Barney's head on his lap. It's such a perfect, clichéd tableaux.

She cocks her head, whips out her phone and takes a picture, grinning down at the two of them. She feels as though she's standing outside of herself, watching all this unfold.

Ted is murmuring, his hands waving about frantically in front of him like he's not sure what he should do. Barney gasps and blood trickles from his lips (nice touch, she takes another picture) when he opens them to speak. He's whispering something to Ted and Ted lets out a sob. The light leaves Barney's eyes before anyone else has moved. It all happens so fast - in seconds.

Robin grins, then gets down on her knees beside them. "Jesus, that felt good!" She sighs, ignoring the look of horror from Ted and the way Lily clamps her hand over her mouth like she's going to be sick. "Dying with your eyes open was a really nice touch, Stinson!" She begins to laugh, holding up her hand over his body.

Barney moves, suddenly, making Ted scream, and slaps her hand. "Awesome death scene high five!" He crows. "But those squibs hurt like a motherf-!"

Robin punches him on the arm. "Wimp."

Neither of them can seem to stop laughing.

Every single other person at the party looks on in disbelief.

*--*--*

"Legendary!" Barney exclaims.

"Sick, sad and twisted!" Lily replies, her arms wrapped around Marshall.

"Barney, that was just… cruel!" Ted says, still scowling. There's a smear of fake blood across his cardboard "ballot" costume.

"It was totally uncool, Dude." Marshall says, although Robin can tell he's just acting the part for Lily's sake. They'd both get a fist bump later.

"It's Halloween!" Barney kept going, like a freight train. He wasn't going to be diverted. "It's the most legendary Halloween prank of _all time_!"

Robin saw Marshall's lip flicker into a smile. She _knew_ it!

"Oh man!" Ted replies, shakily. "I'd have expected something like that from you Barney, but _Robin?_"

"Hey!" Robin says half-heartedly, because she doesn't really care what Ted thinks. The point had been to shock them all. "Grow a sense of humour Ted!"

Barney turns his head to look at her, then back at Ted. "Ted, it was a _joke_! A pretty awesome one too! Come on, dude?" There's something a little desperate in his eyes - like he's afraid their stunt has back-fired. Lily still looks tearful and Ted's just angry. Robin has never really understood why Barney seems to crave their approval quite so much.

Marshall squeezes Lily. "Hey Lil, the squib thing _was_ pretty cool though. I kind of wanna try it…"

Lily looks up at him. "I guess so…" She says, a little reluctantly. "We'll certainly remember it. But, Jesus Robin… when you shot him I swear I almost pee'd myself."

"I'm sorry, Lil," Robin says, holding out a hand for Lily's. "We thought it would be funny." She never meant to upset Lily. She doesn't really understand _why_ they're all so upset! Barney was right. "It was meant to be funny, you know?"

Lily sighs. "I guess it kind-a was…" Marshall kisses the top of her head.

Ted is _still_ scowling.

"Ted! _Legendary!_" Barney repeats, insistently.

"Stupid, immature and dangerous…" Ted grumbles, not giving an inch. "You could have hurt yourself!"

"Ted, will you just can it!" Robin feels weirdly defensive. "It's Halloween! You're always telling _me_ I should lighten up! Jesus! Leave Barney alone. It was just a prank. We didn't hurt anyone. Perhaps tomorrow you'll get your head out of your ass long enough to see it?" She doesn't even notice that she's grabbed Barney's arm until she sees how he's looking at her - with a half smile of disbelief and an incredible warmth in his eyes. It sends a tingle down her spine as she drags Barney out of the kitchen and across the living room, where people have very quickly got back to drinking, talking, even dancing.

He pulls her into his arms with a smirk. How can he look _so_ hot, splattered in fake-blood and wearing a ruined vintage suit? It's just unfair.

"You lost your hat, Johnny…" She chuckles, smiling. Something has shifted between them.

"Totally worth it..." He answers, with a twinkle in his eyes.

He lifts her chin, giving her a soft, soft kiss.

Robin wraps her arms around his neck as their bodies sway to the rhythm of the song.

They're not Frankie and Johnny, not really. But perhaps the pretence is all they need to be… something... together. She isn't quite sure what. But when he kisses her again, Robin closes her eyes and pretends.

It's enough.


End file.
